What happened to my towel?!

Quite frankly, none of us like that awkward moment standing in the locker room wondering just how far to strip down. Most will default to everything off except our knickers, but some therapists don’t mind either way and some even find it easier to massage your entire body without having to pause over your undies. Often the person who shows you to the changing room is not actually your therapist anyway, but the receptionist and it’s the therapist who will know best what they prefer.

And here’s a fact: once you’ve had your first naked massage you won’t be so prudish next time and might even find they have to ask YOU to put your pants on.

Take your cues from what they make available. If a pair of disposable knickers is included with your robe and slippers, put them on. You can always ask when you get to the therapist’s room whether they’d prefer to you keep them on, and if they say they don’t mind, then whip them off and stick them in your robe pocket. (Tip for men: the wider part of the paper undies goes on the front. I kid you not, some have put them on the other way round to hilarious effect.)

I prefer to err on the side of modesty and if no disposable g-string is provided and I have tried to gauge whether it’s a knicker on or off kind of place (yes, I’m resisting the happy ending gags), I keep my own on and have the choice of ditching them into the pocket once on the table.

After all the above is said and done, I prefer naked. That way when they fold the towel over one side of your body the therapist can massage in long heavenly strokes from your shoulder to your foot.

Ok, so that’s the undies.

What to expect from a full body massage:

Begin like this...

You’ll usually be asked to lie face down on the table peering through a hole to floor (sometimes with flowers for your viewing pleasure) and covering yourself with a towel or sheet that is on the table, while your therapist waits outside the door to give you time to strip off.

Once your back, arms and legs have been thoroughly worked over, they may ask you to turn over. Don’t panic! This is done very discretely and your bits will not be on show! Typically they will lift the towel off you and hold it up covering their own faces and ask you to roll over. You’ll also need to scooch down the table a little so your head doesn’t fall through the headpiece hole. Then they’ll lay the towel over you and move it in discrete sections to massage each leg, arm and possibly your neck and shoulders and chest.

Once I had my boobs and tummy massaged. I was quite shocked. Click here to read about my worst massage ever!

Click here to see the interview, including video of TVNZs Matt McLean not at all handling the fish nibbling at his toes.

Video: Weirdest spa treatments, TVNZ

Auckland’s newest and best spa has opened at the Langham Auckland. I know the superlatives are true because I had a 3-hour treatment there (for professional purposes you understand!) Chuan Spa is the Langham spa brand and is based on the 5 Chinese elements: wood, fire, earth, metal and water.

Entre...

Chuan means ‘flowing water’ and you should arrive early so you can take advantage of the watery pre-spa options: the snail shower with jets firing everywhere; an ice station where shaved ice falls into a huge bowl that you cover yourself in to freeze your yin; and the herbal steam room to heat your yang (or something like that).

I stayed overnight in one of the new Chuan Havens after my decadent 3-hour Five Element Rebalance. This started with a foot soak, then a muscle-melting hot bath with Thalgo sea salts to swish around. Then an hour and a half’s stone massage which included hot and cold stones. Then it finished with a foot and calf massage and pedicure from which I emerged sporting siren red toenails.

My therapist had come here from Cape Kidnappers spa in Hawkes Bay and turns out we went to the same school – albeit a generation apart!! She told me some funny stories too – like accidentally massaging Tom Jones’s fake tan off before his concert at the Mission.

My haven – conveniently located just across the hallway so I could toddle in fluffy bathrobe – had a huge flatscreen TV in the bedroom, another in the lounge, snacks awaiting me and an infinity bath that lured me for even more relaxation. We’d had a lot of rain in Auckland so I didn’t feel toooo guilty about filling the tub until it overflowed into infinity. Ironically, having positioned the TV so I could watch it from the bath whilst eating chocolate covered strawberries. I was watching CSI when, ironically/spookily, they discovered a dead body in a bathtub.

It did make me wonder how long it would take to be discovered. But I’m happy to report, I’m still here.

I was in Taiwan on a decadent Spa Press Trip. But this treatment took the cake… I’ve never had an all over body massage (and I mean all over). And certainly not an all over body massage by a Taiwanese woman with hands like a builder who has little comprehension of pain thresholds. While the door remained open so she could chat to her colleague in the next room, I can only describe my experience as if I was a piece of timber in a carpentry workshop. She first rubbed so vigorously I thought surely I would burst into flames, then she planed over and over on the one excruciating spot until every knot was worn smooth.

If there’d been a video camera looking up at my wincing face through the hole in the table, it would been hilarious. My mouth alternated from Elvis lip-curling to baring teeth like Mr Ed as I tried to absorb the pain, eyes squinting ever tighter and clenching my teeth so I could hear the ocean in my ears.

After the neck, back, bum and legs were finally finished burning and stinging she was ready to flip me over and start on my internal organs. Having already tried to communicate through gasps to my non-English speaking carpenter that the pressure was too hard and clearly not being understood, I was determined not to let her loose on areas unprotected by a rib cage.

The famous Eternal Spring Shrine, Taroko Gorge

I tried to say thank you, that I’d had enough and began to make moves to leave, but she clearly wasn’t finished and didn’t want me to be short changed. After much shouting to her colleague next door about the rebellious piece of four-by-two trying to leave the work bench, a face popped around the door and seemed to understand my breathless request for less pain. In Mandarin, she conveyed to the builder that “no hard” was required and for a while things went smoothly. I’ve never had a tummy massage before so was quite interested although it felt a little strange, but when she peeled the towel back and massaged my boobs I didn’t know where to look. I shut my eyes – just as she belched. Seriously! She had already punctuated her treatment with a few of these, but really – while bending over my chest?

Suffice to say, massage in Taiwan is a varied experience. The next day I was treated to a luxurious hot stone massage at The Wellspring Spa at Formosa Resort on the clifftop of the mighty Taroko Gorge that ended with me melting in a bathtub overlooking marble boulders the size of cars in the river.

Tell us about your worst massage experience!

This new group of some of New Zealand’s top spas have formed a joint marketing “cluster”, they call it, and launched a website to promote top quality spa experiences in New Zealand. It’s a great idea and proving a hit with internet browsers (the new website already has an enviable Google rank of 4/10. No, I’m not jealous!).

The four spas include Chuan Spa at the Langham Hotel in Auckland.  And if you haven’t had the full monty 3-hour treatment here, you can live vicariously through mine (‘Chuan Spa Bliss‘).

Polynesian Spa, overlooking Lake Rotorua has also been voted by readers of Conde Nast Traveller Magazine as one of the World Top Ten Spas for thermal, natural or medical spas.

You can soak in the hot mineral pools or be slathered in mud that bubbles from the core of the earth at the Lake Spa Retreat. Facilities also include a family hot pool and 13 private pools.

Hanmer Springs Thermal Pools & Spa (about an hour and a half north of Christchurch) have a spa facility that was being built when I was last there. Now they boast the decadent Vichy water treatments, steam room treatments, chocolate fondue treatment (!) – and more.

And finally the Spa at Millbrook in Queenstown that has everything from the 4-hour Day-Dream treatment (that would render you only able to dribble your words for the rest of the day) to pedicures and typical massages, etc. They are part of the 5-star Millbrook golf resort and have also been awarded in the Top 10 Hotel Spas in the world by Gayot.com.

Click here for more info on The Best Spas of New Zealand.

#blog4nz

But they’re not all terrible. They run from soaking in hot pools to painful foot massages at night markets to decadent hot rocks massages at luxurious resorts. But for something completely weird that you won’t find at home, try Being Spa in Taipei for a Hinoki Enzyme Bath.

Being covered for the sweat fest

Don’t be fooled. This is no bath of warm water in which you wallow with petals floating around. Instead you don a pair of brown cotton pyjamas with a hoodie, and are taken through to a giant sand pit full of steaming sawdust.

A nice man with a shovel will dig you a grave and there you lie – with your colleagues lined up on either side. You’ll be covered over with just your head poking out and an eye mask on. While the pit isn’t heated, the cypress sawdust is composting and MAN it’s hot!

Time to get out!

After 15 minutes of sweating – and trying to relax – you burrow out, your toxins are released and you feel remarkably invigorated as if you’ve had a workout!

For the life of me I can’t get the translate button to work on this site, but you can see the man raking the sawdust pit…

Well you’re in luck – here is a list of where to get pampered like the princess (or prince) you know you are. Some are fancy hotel spas that allow all-comers and not just guests to wear their fluffy robes, others are high street places for a quick facial or pedi. I’ve added links where possible.

Santa Monica beach, California

Arcona Studios – 425 Broadway. (310) 458 3800. Skin and body treatments, facials, massage and oxygen therapy.

Aveda store, salon and spa – 1301 Montana Ave. (310) 576 0989. Facials, massage, botox, microdermabrasion, salt glow.

Bey’s Garden – 2919 Main St. (310) 399 5420. Facials, massage, hands, feet, aromatherapy.

Bodywork Emporium – 414 Broadway. (310) 394 4475. Massage.

Burke-Williams – 358 Fourth St. (310) 587 3366. Massage, hydrotherapy, skin, nail, body and scalp.

Dermalogica on Montana – 1022 Montana Ave. (310) 260 8682. Skin treatments, face mapping analysis, product sampling.

Exhale Spa – 101 Wilshire Blvd. (310) 576 7777. Massaging, waxing, nails, facials.

Finer Skin Care – 1828 Broadway. (310) 393 2598. Facials, peels, botox, waxing, acne treatment, massage.

Fred Segal Beauty – 420 Broadway. (310) 550 1800. Facials, massage, skin treatments, waxing, nails, makeup, hair.

Kenneth George Sanctuary – 1914 Wilshire Blvd. (310) 453 5497. Facials, massage, pedicure, manicure, waxing.

Loews Santa Monica Beach Hotel – 1700 Ocean Dr. (310) 458 6700. Facials, massage, body treatments, wraps, skin, nail and hair care.

ONE the Spa at Shutters on the Beach – 1 Pico Blvd. (310) 485 0030. Massage, facials, body treatments, manicures, pedicures, waxing.

Petite Spa – 723 Broadway. (310) 393 3105. Facials, waxing, massage, body treatments, eye candy & makeup.

The Spa at Equinox – 201 Santa Monica Blvd. (310) 593 8888. Body treatments, massage, Reiki, reflexology, manicures, waxing.

The Spa at Hotel Casa Del Mar – 1910 Ocean Front Walk. Facials, body wraps, massage.

Spa Le Merigot - 1740 Ocean Ave. (310) 395 9700. Full range of spa services incl use of pool and gym.

Willow Spa – 3127 Santa Monica Blvd. (310) 453 9004. Zen-influenced wellness spa. Skin care, massage, chiropractic, acupuncture, yoga, Japanese enzyme bath.

And for a ton more info on Santa Monica check out SantaMonica.com

So there I am in Singapore on my way to London staying in a very basic hotel near pretty much not much at all. The reservation girl was going to give me a single bed but in the end found a room with 2 beds. Lol, at least one was a double so I didn’t have to fear falling out. Ugh, my room was just on the cusp of not completely clean (how much do we HATE finding another human being’s hair in the bathroom!) and the WiFi was flippin pricey. However I sucked up the cost and logged on to check email and send a Tweet out to lament my dire circumstances when Small Luxury Hotels in Australia picked it up.

Oh you should be staying at Sentosa Resort, they tweeted back. Yes I should, I replied quick smart. Then suddenly, after a couple of emails and a phone call from the swanky resort on Singapore’s Sentosa Island I was packing up my things, telling the receptionist “something had come up” and jumping in a cab. Here’s my blog with the before and after pics.

The Pavillion at Sentosa Resort

Sentosa Resort & Spa sprawls over 11 hectares of lushness where peacocks roam the grounds, sometimes wandering past as you sip a drink with an umbrella in or eat your morning buffet waffles. Cheeky monkeys try and cadge a morsel but are shooed away by attentive staff before you find yourself negotiating over a banana. It’s only ten minutes away from the hustle and bustle of traffic and the endless building works going on over the Bridge, but is a million miles away in feel, ambience, tranquility and poshness.

Feathered pool boys

Ohh how long must I wait for a snack??

I had a 3-course lunch at one of their 3 dining spots on the grounds, The Garden. Expect quirky twists on famous Singaporean dishes like Chicken Rice which is presented in this fancy-pants way with organic chicken and a crisp rice cake. Since we can’t buy trout in New Zealand I had to try the Trout Tartare for the entre – which comes with caviar – and was completely delicious. Then my host insisted there was room for dessert (I always knew the pudding stomach was separate from the dinner one) and recommended her fave – the organic Soy Milk Pannacotta with fresh raspberries.

The Garden's Chicken Rice

Mmmm - trout tartare

After heaving myself out of the restaurant a spa treatment was waiting (oh Twitter how do I love thee? Let me count thy ways…)

I arrived over an hour before my treatment at Spa Botanica and highly recommend coming early – in fact spend the whole day. Spa Botanica is an award-winning spa built on a heritage site at a cost of S$10.5 million, the 6000-square-metre facility has 21 treatment rooms, 15 of them indoors. There are 6 outdoor pavilions that come with private gardens and spa baths.

They have two duplicate outdoor garden areas – one exclusively for women as the Middle East market is huge and as they have a No Men Allowed (unless wearing the full body Burkini) view, there is a 2nd outdoor area for girls. Both have a pool complete with cascading waterfalls, a meditation labyrinth (which is a quiet circular area surrounded by bamboo and with bricks embedded in the grass to walk around in a spiral, then unwind and walk back again). But my favourite thing was the Mud Pool. I was told it was geothermal mud from New Zealand (! – I cannot find any reference online to such a thing) but wherever it comes from, it’s basically an enormous cauldron of wet clay that you slather all over your skin then go and lie on a deck chair until your full body-mask hardens. Then you return to wash it off in a specially designated pool. My skin felt great afterwards! Rotorua: if you’re not into this yet you should be. Singapore a stealing our thunder – and mud!

I flew into Ballina from Sydney, picked up a car at the airport and proceeded to head north toward Byron Bay. Inconveniently the signs coming out of the airport direct you either left to Ballina or right to Tweed Heads. Nothing said Byron Bay and nothing said north. I chose left because that was only 2kms away – and as per usual, got it wrong. But at least I found someone within 10 minutes who could put me right.

The next navigational trick is to know that Gaia is in a tiny farmlet community near Bangalow and is a sudden left off the motorway before you get to Byron Bay. If you get to Byron Bay you’ve gone too far. I went too far.

Feeling like MaGoo I phoned Gregg Cave – Gaia’s other co-owner and Olivia’s bosom buddy who pretty much grew up with her – and he gave me directions back. Arriving exhausted, frazzled and in need of Nurofen, I was also clearly in need of some of the relaxing tonic this place is renown for. And man, did they deliver.

First I had the healthy organic lunch platter that was on the menu for today. A selection of delicious hummus, beetroot spread and something else the hippies in these parts live on. Accompanied by wholemeal pita bread and a salad grown in the garden. No wine allowed at lunch time, but organic wine is on the menu for dinner.

People come here to detox, relax, retreat and can embrace the nutritional lessons, yoga, meditation, spa treatments and eating plans – or not. Only smoking is not allowed on site.

I was in a semi embracing state of mind now that the headache had gone, so after lunch I toured the property with its sweeping views over the Byron shire (such a quaint name) and cosied up on a day bed in the sun before joining a bunch of fellow detoxers for an organic cooking lesson with chef Todd Cameron. Very delicious is a statement he uses often and very delicious was the macadamia nut satay sauce he prepared – and which I have already practiced at home with prawns. (If you want the recipe, just make a comment below and I’ll post it up – this blog is getting mighty long and I haven’t got to the incredible spa yet…)

There are 35 spa therapists and I’m not going to lie, I experienced the best treatment in my life here. These guys (and girls) are not only masseurs but “healers”, Gregg told me. A treatment here is an holistic experience and I tried their signature Body Polish and Massage.

This is not actually me - but it could be!

I was quite unprepared for the steam room and water experience. I lay on the bed in a room with showers and a sarong for modesty, then the room filled with steam. (I kept peeping from under my eye mask until the room was white-out and my skin was wringing.) Tamara, my healer, then weaved her way in to start the exfoliation. I had chosen the wattle seed scrub made from seeds picked on the property, mixed with lemon myrtle and oils whereupon she scrubbed all my dead skin cells off and I was left to marinate for another ten minutes while the room turned white again.

In she came this time dressed in a lycra/swimsuit dress and with a hand-held shower, massaged the seeds off and worked the oils into my skin. It was truly sublime and I almost wished I could be bed-ridden for life if this was what bathtime was like! But the hour-long kahuna massage that followed with long, relaxing Hawaiian strokes tipped me into nirvana.

It was 6pm by the time I staggered out for a wine and a chat with Gregg then drove the ten minutes to Byron at Byron (you can read that review here).

For the full comprehensive guide to Aussie, check out Australia.com.

It was actually part of a 4 day assignment, flying into Sydney, hiring a car and driving north for some crazy outdoor activities in Port Stephens. (You can read about parasailing and quad biking on sand dunes here). I then drove back to Sydney thanks to my handy GPS – although signs to the airport with big aeroplanes on are pretty obvious – and flew up to Ballina the next morning.

Ballina is the closest, but tiny, airport to Byron Bay (you can also fly into Gold Coast/Brisbane) so with a car and a map the size of a rug I followed directions to Gaia Retreat (co-owned by Olivia Newton-John. More about that in the next blog). Byron at Byron Resort & Spa was my home for 2 nights and set in native bush with 90 different species of birds flitting around, it was beautiful. Confession: I had a holiday. Justification: it was Sunday and I’d driven about 700 kms since Thursday…

Byron Bay is known as a bit of a hippy hangout and on cruising through town there’s your usual combi vans and dreadlocked crowd, but some nice seaside bars have popped up, lots of touristy shops as well as a few art galleries and boutiques. It’s a popular surf beach too and the wind had all the kite-surfers out in force when I went was there.

But the resort is a haven. Its set in 18 hectares and with only 90 rooms spread throughout the bush, you hardly see anyone. Each suite has 2 balconies so a coffee with a book or a glass of wine pre dinner is magic. I ordered room service the night I arrived and can honestly say the recommended fish n chips were awesome!

My room upstairs in Rivergum

But the spa treatments are divine and as I am nothing if not professional I had to try out their signature – the 2-hour Spa Bliss which started with an hour-long remedial massage whereupon my body was diagnosed as being in stress! I didn’t even know. Mind you it might explain the neck and shoulder tensions… The Spa at Byron was just awarded Best Spa by Pevonia – the products they use – and I concur.

The icing on top was the Vichy Shower. Lying face down on a table under a hose with 7 shower heads running along it, Angela massaged a salt scrub all over me with ylang ylang, lavender, tangerine and marine and mineral salts. It smelt divine, but the washing off was even better. The hoses are cleverly designed to massage your muscles as warm water relaxes the muscles and you get a massage at the same time. Sublime. (You also get a little g-string.)

For the full comprehensive guide to Aussie, check out Australia.com.